test Note: Test note
Speaker 1: you often hear this factoid about water. People say that every water molecule on our planet has passed through the guts of a dinosaur. Now, the fact is obviously designed to shock us. I mean Oh my God, are we drinking dinosaur pee? But it also got me thinking. I suppose we could kind of say the same thing about soil, the soil that we farm, plant and walk on today. It was once the meaty leg of a dinosaur or the branch Carboniferous leopard engine or the lunch of a Permian mega herbivore, Tags: soil Note: .soil The soil cycle
AirrQuote Tags: the Note: .the tilt
AirrQuote
AirrQuote
AirrQuote
AirrQuote
When you are overthinking, write.
When you are underthinking, read. Tags: habits
I suppose that answers Fermis paradox to some degree https://t.co/BVOLcJsXnd Tags: fermi Note: .fermi paradox
A thought in its most basic form is about choice. If you don’t have to make a choice, then it can all happen automatically. I’m now faced with two alternatives and I need to decide which one I’m going to do. Consciousness enables you to make those choices because it contributes value. Thinking goes on unconsciously until you’re in a state of uncertainty as to what to do. Then you need feeling to feel your way through the problem. The bulk of our cognition—our day-to-day psychological life—goes on unconsciously. .thought .consciousness
The only point of learning from past events is to better predict future events. That’s the whole point of memory. It’s not just a library where we file away everything that’s happened to us. .memory
You know, we get it beaten out of us at medical school or graduate programs that you must lose your wonder and your sense of mystery and excitement and fascination with those big questions. For my own particular reasons, I wasn’t able to give up on those questions. That’s what motivated me to do what I’ve done. .education
did you know the brain needs to clean itself of toxins that build up as it's used throughout the day? like a river, cerebrospinal fluid (light blue) flows through paravascular spaces (dark blue) and flushes those toxins out through a series of channels that expand during sleep. https://t.co/pYhhboQ8Iy Tags: sleep, brain Note: .brain .sleep
behavior. Stoller’s seminal insight was that all sexuality – whether it’s monogamous heterosexual sex in the missionary position, kinky sex, or polyamorous arrangements – is an attempt to master childhood conflicts and trauma. Illuminating how these conflicts and trauma are expressed and encountered within ourselves and with others holds the key to liberation from narratives that limit and bind us. Tags: love
Perhaps a mother bought a little girl a new skirt and the dad said, “You look like a tramp, go change your clothes.” I’ve worked with people in their sixties who can remember being told things like that when they were young children. In this case such comments start to create one’s narrative (influenced by familial and cultural forces) about displaying sexiness as a girl: “I shouldn’t feel good about my body/sexiness” or “I shouldn’t display my body/sexiness.” When my clients identify these stories, they may have to work through a great deal of anger or shame or regret or grief with the realization that they’ve lived much of their lives repressing or avoiding the expression of their sexuality. Tags: love
Most people are unaware that their deepest obstacles to sexual satisfaction are what they’re thinking rather than what they’re doing. They ruminate endlessly about how their bodies are unattractive, or that they’re sexually awkward, or that their partner is too fat or old or obnoxious for passion to reemerge. Whether these beliefs are accurate or not, the important thing is that they’re only the conscious part of the story. Most of the tale remains unconscious and is often deeply painful. Tags: love
Sex is usually good at the start of a relationship, but when partners become more familiar with and committed to each other, relational narratives kick in unconsciously. This is why desire too often diminishes in long-term relationships. It’s not simply that couples lose the novelty; rather, our conscious and unconscious narratives come into play. Tags: love
“Al
l sex is group sex. You’re in bed with your partner, your/his/hers/their family dynamics, intergenerational traumas, body image, religious upbringing, gender/sexual identity/race/class experiences, on and on. It’s crowded in bed!” Tags: love
Even though our romantic and sexual relationships may appear quite different from our parents’, psychoanalysts believe that none of us, no matter what our sexual orientation or gender identity, escapes the messages (good and bad) from childhood. Tags: love
“It sounds like you both believe that sex must begin with desire,” I said. “But there are newer models, based on good research, showing that satisfying sex doesn’t have to begin with desire or end in orgasm. And for some people, desire emerges after sex starts.” Kris looked intrigued. “One crucial element,” I continued, “is the notion of willingness. You can initiate sex not because you feel horny, but because you trust that once you get started you’ll begin to enjoy it. And the more you enjoy it, the more your relationship will flourish.” Tags: love
As I listened to Justin and Kris, I focused less on the particulars of their histories than on the meanings they made of their experiences. It was becoming clear how their narratives were maintaining their sexual-relational difficulties. As we finished up the individual history sessions, we discussed what parts of their stories they felt comfortable sharing with each other, a crucial step in NRST work. Sooner or later, they would have to confront their struggles with desire together. Tags: love
In fact, the absence of desire is not the problem, it is the narrative that desire is a prerequisite for human sexual activity. This one narrative is a recipe for disappointment. For most couples, the initial infatuation phase, during which one’s partner is experienced as the most desirable person, inevitably wanes. If it diminishes altogether, many couples either resign themselves to a sexless relationship or split up, hoping to feel d
esire with a new partner. My experience is that many couples can rekindle desire, but not as the first order of business. Narrative Relational Sex Therapy (NRST) presents a different way of thinking about sexual challenges related to desire. Rather than focusing on desire at the front end, couples like Justin and Kris can identify and transform their unconscious sexual narratives – cultural, familial, personal, relational, and bodily – that interfere with their capacity to connect sexually. Once partners identify and share core parts of their sexual histories with each other, defenses begin to dissolve, sexual engagement can begin with willingness, bodies can experience sensations or pleasures without a predetermined goal, and desire has a chance to reawaken. Tags: love
Justin and Kris decided to begin a weekly date that started with individual meditation time, followed by mindful touching, and then one item from their couple sexual menu. Becoming more playful, they wrote down all of their menu items on slips of paper, stuffed them into a hat, and plucked out one per week. They loved how their menu items, some of which included genital contact and others that didn’t, freed them from the performance and response anxiety associated with the desire-to-orgasm narrative. Instead, they simply looked forward to their erotic time each week, replacing desire with willingness and discovering that passion was generated by having sex – not the other way around. Tags: love
Externalizing, is an approach to therapy that encourages persons to objectify, and at times to personify, the problems that they experience as oppressive. In this process the problem becomes a separate entity and thus external to the person who was, or the relationship that was, ascribed the problem. Those problems that are considered to be inherent, and those relatively fixed qualities that are attributed to persons and to relationships, are rendered less fixed and less restricting. Tags: love
An externali
zing conversation that locates the “problem” outside the individual or couple, in this case the model of sexual health clients have internalized, begins to question the notion that something is inherently broken in themselves or the relationship. Tags: love
great sex included relational experiences like being present, being connected, communication, authenticity, vulnerability, and transcendence with their partner. It almost sounds spiritual – the feeling of being one and experiencing mutual and complete acceptance. The main point is that clients need to be made aware of how they’re behaving unconsciously according to some theoretical model or narrative (and not in some natural and universal way) and how this affects their sexuality. Do they consider orgasm as the only or best goal? Is genital sex the only “real thing”? Is all else a prelude to it? Is genital or anal sex incomplete without penetration? Is masturbation “sorry seconds”? By understanding their responses and those of their partner, they can be freed from judgment or pressure to measure up to the “right” sexual response. Tags: love
A person’s conscious and unconscious sexual history plays out like a cacophony of voices every time they have solo or partnered sex. The sexual histories of partners are part of the chorus as well. Most people are not aware of these voices and the impact they have on sexual experience. Sex is usually good at the start of a relationship, but as partners become more familiar with each other, sexual narratives unconsciously engage. Conflicts arise. Issues from the not-so-distant past are reawakened. Desire can diminish. As sex loses it novelty, conscious and unconscious stories come into play, and sex with a partner turns into group sex. Old narratives, thought to be buried a long time ago, re-emerge. All sex is, in some form, an attempt to master childhood wounds (Stoller, 1985), a theme I’ll return to throughout this book. People are all wounded in some way, and attempt to he
al wounds, to various degrees, through sex. Clients are often unconscious of the fact that they’re trying to work through some unresolved childhood drama through sexuality. They’re unconscious both of the wounds they suffered and the ways in which they use, and sometimes misuse, sex in the struggle to heal them. Everyone’s history is interwoven into their sexual preferences. The person who likes to spank or be spanked is no more or less wounded from childhood than the person who likes only missionary sex. Missionary sex for some people may be used as a psychological defense, more so than the BDSM couple’s sexual play. In the latter case, the couple may be mastering past wounds in a much healthier way. Whatever people’s histories might be, the drama of childhood wounds is played out in their heads in the bedroom: “I never was sexy.” “My body is too fat.” “I don’t like penetrative sex.” “We’re a sexually dysfunctional couple.” Tags: love
I start every sexual history with an essential question: “What is your earliest memory of sexuality?” I specifically use the term sexuality, not sex. If I ask for someone’s earliest memory of sex, they will discuss behavioral examples – their first touch, their first kiss, maybe their first intercourse. When I say sexuality, I receive much more expansive responses. Some people will remember their first stirrings of attraction, their first wet dream, their first masturbation, or the first time they played doctor with a kid in the neighborhood. Maybe it was a memory of unwanted touch or viewing explicit sexual materials. Or maybe they overheard their parents doing something in the bedroom that sounded like daddy hurting mommy until they realized he wasn’t. People who had to deal with gender non-conforming childhoods will often tell me a gender story, not a sexuality story. People of color may start off with a racial development story or a story about skin color and attractiveness in their families. Some people’s memories go back to ear
ly grammar school or even earlier. When a client offers their earliest memory, I slow things down to deeply explore the impact of that experience, probing the thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations associated with it. Together, we examine the meaning the person made of the experience then, how the meaning developed into a narrative over time, and what they make of the narrative now. As clients share their histories, I track certain themes. The first is boundary transgressions – experiences that made the individual feel out of control, scared, confused, disrespected, or hurt in relation to their sexual or self-integrity. Boundary transgressions can include physical, emotional, sexual, or verbal abuse, or more subtle derogatory messages about sexual orientation, gender non-conforming behavior, or associated with being male or female. The latter transgressions can include an off-hand remark by a parent, such as “Don’t be a sissy” or “You look like a tramp in that dress.” I also track relational or attachment wounds. These emerge from experiences that left a person feeling betrayed, abandoned, neglected, or intruded upon emotionally, thereby impeding the development of safe attachment and intimacy. The sexual history process usually takes two to five sessions. For many clients of all ages, the sexual history is the first time they thought about and shared their development as sexual beings with another person. Most couples never discuss their most private sexual stories. Tags: love
Components of the Sexual History Following are the major components of the sexual history, to be explored flexibly with the client in a fluid conversation, not by posing a list of questions. Some of the components were adapted from Sexual Dysfunction: A Guide for Assessment and Treatment (Wincze & Carey, 1991). Childhood: type of relations with family members; parental relationship; gender experience/identity/roles/expression; peer relations; first sexual feelings (same and/or other sex;
trans or non-binary); masturbation; peer sexual play; sex education (how one learned about sex); religion/race/ethnic/class experience; messages about sex; how affection was shown; how nudity/body issues were handled; how privacy was managed; how boys and girls were treated; any unpleasant, confusing, embarrassing, or disturbing sexual/emotional experiences; medical treatments in self or family members; sexual/physical/verbal/emotional abuse or neglect; substance use. Adolescence: peer relationships; school experience; experience of puberty; body development and image; menstruation; pregnancies or abortions; wet dreams; dating; self-esteem; masturbation (methods and fantasies); exposure to porn (including content); sexual behavior, attractions, identity (heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, pansexual); gender expression/identity/role; coming-out experiences; first intercourse/sexual experiences; fantasies/dreams; how learned about sex; substance use. Adulthood: medical history (including psychiatric treatment and psychotherapy); relationship history; sexual experiences; masturbation; porn use; fantasies; dreams; sexual problems (in self or partners); STIs; HIV status and safer sex; birth control; children (miscarriages, abortions, fertility issues); menopause; medications; substance use; occupational history; peer/family relations; coming-out experiences at home and work; online activity; kink preferences. Societal Influences: the effects of biases based on race, ethnicity, sex, gender identity/role/expression, class, sexual orientation, religion, age, disabilities, and family form. Current Sexual Functioning: current sexual functioning; areas of strength, difficulty, or concern, including any recent changes; sexual preferences; likes and dislikes about the partner and/or self; monogamy, polyamory; extra-marital sexual experiences; kink; non-sexual activities (individually and as a couple); communication about sex; intimacy and affection; love; sexual story
about the present relationship; sexual goals for present relationship. After getting the details of the client’s first memory of sexuality, I ask about thoughts, feelings, and sensations at the time, if they were discovered or told anyone about the experience, and, if so, how the other person reacted. If not discovered, how might significant others have reacted? Throughout the history I pay attention to themes of shame, guilt, and boundary violations, defined as anything that made the individual feel… Tags: love